09 febrero 2014

The idiot woman syndrome

  I am not the discoverer of this syndrome; I had enough troubles passing natural science. The discoverers are scientists from Rokambol. It affects one in thirty women imputed and charged. The age range prevailing is over forty and residents of exclusive housing developments are more affected. From what I have read it is believed that it might be related to pesticides from gardens or cheap perfumes of the domestic workers. Symptoms include lack of long-term memory, idiot face, cattle eyes, candid and misplaced smile, and the absolute inability to add, subtract, multiply and divide.
  In severe states, it is accompanied by the inability to recognize their own signature, inability to identify where the money comes from to buy all kinds of objects, apparent submission to male and disproportionate growth of the facial surface when asked questions of patrimonial nature. Those who could read balance sheets, income statements or had knowledge of mutual funds, banking, mortgage and personal loans etc, lose these skills to the point of not knowing how to accurately answer basic questions such as "how much money do you have in your purse" or "how much is a Hermès handbag”.
  There have been reported cases of the idiot woman syndrome in men also, but experts have ruled out that the cases are of real individuals. First of all, to suffer the idiot woman syndrome you must be a woman. Secondly, because his cattle eyes and especially his candid or idiot smile does not correspond to the reported cases in women. For this reason, the scientific community is inclined to think that in cases that may appear, some or all of these symptoms in men would be examples of untruthfulness, made up due to interests, a chronic face or what a more recent study by Smith Lavender and Cifuentes qualifies as "liars".
  Symptoms appear when the patient is exposed to judicial or police presence. There is no evidence that the vision of togas, scales and other items related to justice is the only cause of the symptoms, although an investigation by the Nóos Institute showed that overexposure to court records could lead to a worsening of basic math skills and amatory hallucinations regarding partners or former partners with some type of shared equity displacement.
  The recommended prophylaxis prescribed, among other precautions, examine bank statements carefully, do not trust money that appears on its own, as well as items that emerge among the family with no explanation, like Jaguars or mansions in the upper area of Barcelona. Also read documents before signing, read the Financial Times three times a week and when the first symptoms begin to appear, take a plane to Brazil and dance in carnival. 
  And finally, I must mention the existence of a critical current formed by naturopaths, accountants, and the "Association of Mothers with Criterion", who deny the existence of the syndrome. They describe the affected as sassy and offenders. The dissidents think that judges, prosecutors, lawyers and journalists who take the bait are the ones that suffer this syndrome. Good thing we have science to silence this group of enlightened.

El humor está aquí, en alguna parte

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Translation by Amanda Perri

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